Reasons You’re Still Single

Valentine’s Day was Wednesday, and Thursday was Singles Awareness day…making this a good time to check out The Top Reasons You’re Still Single.

  • You’re Internet-famous . . . for having the most mentions on #MeToo.
  • Belching the alphabet isn’t as impressive as it used to be.
  • People frequently describe you as a slightly less charming Harvey Weinstein.
  • Your voice is best described as Gilbert Gottfried on helium.
  • Your bank account has a ton of zeroes . . . and that’s it.
  • Your Netflix queue is full of true crime documentaries about men who murder women.
  • You don’t want to date a person, because you’re already in a committed relationship with cheesecake.
  • Girls call you “Left Swipe.”
  • Your favorite spot for a romantic dinner has a dollar menu.
  • You’re on the waiting list for having a charisma transplant.
  • You are too career focused, and look at you now . . . you have a 5-star driver rating on Uber!
  • Next time you may want to rethink the “King of the STDs” neck tattoo.
  • You’re having a hard time finding that special someone who also likes to dress up for “Star Wars” movies.
  • You actually hate to mingle.