Signs You Won’t Be Winning a Gold Medal at the Winter Olympics


  • The closest you’ve gotten to Korea is ordering kimchee takeout

  • The last thing you remember is falling off the ski jump

  • Your downhill time is measured in hours

  • You never really could give up the cigarettes or tequila

  • They made a movie of your life starring Kevin James

  • You wear a sequined outfit, and you’re on the hockey team

  • Somebody has to point out the difference between ice skates and roller skates

  • The East German judge came out of retirement to give you a zero

  • Four words: Can’t stand the cold