Movies to Absolutely, Positively Avoid on Valentine’s Day

1. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Avoid this at all costs. Unless, of course, you find watching the steady disintegration of a relationship taking place inside someone’s brain to be a light, romantic activity that won’t make you want to run to your ex.

 2. Her. On the surface, a movie about a dude falling in love with Siri doesn’t seem too bad, but the longer you think about it, the sadder it gets. The whole time you’re watching it you’re wondering if there will ever be a point when you’re lonely enough to want to make out with a sufficiently advanced Alexa?

 3. The Fault in Our Stars thinks it’s so cute that the movie is going to serve you a big heaping plate of all those things you love — the romance, the wish-fulfillment, the glimmering hope of youthful exuberance — and then it’s going to kick you in the face. Hope you like crying so hard your eyes swell shut.

 4. Gone Girl. If you’re in a relationship, you will both lay awake at night with doubting everything you thought you knew about your lover poisoning the air between you. If you’re single, Gone Girl will straight up make you never want to get married.

 5. Blue ValentineWatch The Notebook on Valentine’s Day if you want some feel-good tears. Do not, however, watch Ryan Gosling in Blue Valentine, which manages to cover an unplanned pregnancy, bad exes, workplace harassment, violence, divorce, and a devastated, adorable child. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

 6. PassengersThis movie was kind of billed as a romance and it’s got a cool sci-fi twist on the traditional lovey-dovey setup…but it’s still technically the story of Chris Pratt getting so lonely he condemns Jennifer Lawrence to die decades before her life was supposed to start. That’s just the premise. Still feeling romantic?