The Top Signs You’re Seeing A Terrible Doctor

President Trump gets his physical today. It’ll likely be conducted by a competent doctor . . . and not like anyone described here on The Top Signs You’re Seeing a Terrible Doctor.

  • He doesn’t make you turn your head when you cough . . . he demands eye contact.
  • He offers you six Percocets for a decent Yelp review.
  • He doesn’t have a medical degree on the wall, but he does have an autographed photo of Kid Rock giving the finger.
  • He’s got a Hello Kitty stethoscope.
  • Before giving you medical advice, he asks out loud, “What would Gwyneth Paltrow do?”
  • He brags about his patent for the “reusable tongue depressor.”
  • He was also your Uber driver to the appointment.
  • He demands to be paid six months in advance, just in case “things don’t work out.”
  • There’s a degree on her wall from Doctor University.
  • He pulls a big ball of wax out of your ear, holds it up to the light, and then eats it.
  • His last name is “Dre.”