The Top Tips For Losing Weight

  • Drop your husband. Just like that: 325 pounds gone!
  • Buy one of those fancy Peloton indoor bikes, which will then make you too broke to afford food.
  • Run a lap around your block every time Trump tweets.
  • Replace between-meal snacks with cocaine. Right, supermodels?
  • Ask yourself, “Do I really want to blend in at Walmart?”
  • Join CrossFit. You won’t eat much after someone punches you in the jaw for constantly letting everyone know that you joined CrossFit.
  • Instead of fries, order a salad. Unless it’s alongside a Triple Baconator. Then, screw it. You may as well go down swinging.
  • Skip breakfast. And lunch. And dinner. Hey, you can’t be fat when you’re dead!
  • Do whatever Oprah did in 1997, 2003, 2008, and 2013.
  • Buy a FitBit. Get the chocolate one. It’s delicious!
  • Do the exact opposite of whatever Donald Trump does every day.
  • Promise yourself you won’t eat any desserts until they start making good Batman movies again.
  • Eat right and exercise. Kidding! Pop pills that ravage your liver.