Signs You’re a Lousy Mall Santa


  • They have you sitting out in the parking garage

  • You’re “vaping” the whole time

  • You greet all the children with “You better not pee on my lap, kid”

  • You keep referring to your elves as “goblins or whatever”

  • The mall you’re working in closed in 2006

  • You insist that children bow their heads and call you “Lord Claus”

  • When a kid gives you his wish list, you hand it to an elf and say “File this with the others”

  • You just badmouthed the crap out of the Easter Bunny

  • You whisper to every kid, “I’m not real! Don’t let them fool you”