Reasons You Haven’t Yet Started Your Christmas Shopping

  • You love the thrill of elbowing people in the face for the last Xbox on Christmas Eve.
  • Stores don’t usually run out of cat toys.
  • Thanks to Facebook and politics, you pretty much hate EVERYONE in your life right now.
  • Two reasons: You can’t shop online because you don’t own a computer . . . and you can’t go to a store because of that house arrest thingy.
  • This year, you’re giving the gift of love. In other words: you’re a cheap bastard.
  • You lost track of time. And your job. And your home. And your family. Thanks, opioids!
  • You’re Roy Moore and you’re still trying to find a mall where you haven’t been banned.
  • All your money is currently tied up in Bitcoin.
  • Jack Frost has been nipping at your bank account.
  • There’s no hurry, because there’s always a gas station open on Christmas Eve.
  • Your kid is already spoiled enough, with his high-tech syringes and fancy insulin.
  • You don’t think there’s a need to bother, because Christmas is bound to be stopped by the inevitable nuclear war
  • Your family sucks.