Surprises In “Star Wars: The Last Jedi”

  • Kylo Ren actually exists in the same universe as Judd Nelson’s character from “The Breakfast Club”.
  • Rey uses the Force to lift Harvey Weinstein off her in a hotel bathroom.
  • Chewbacca’s new Millennium Falcon co-pilot: Omarosa. Hey, she’s free now.
  • Rebels and Stormtroopers lay down their arms and unite to denounce Net Neutrality.
  • Kylo Ren gets private evil coaching from Steve Bannon.
  • George Lucas walks by in the background dragging a massive bag of cash.
  • Mourning over the loss of Han Solo leads to passionate interspecies sex between Leia and Chewy.
  • The freakiest-looking creature so far in the “Star Wars” universe is played by Benicio del Toro . . . without makeup.
  • A confused Harrison Ford wanders into a scene in a fedora and bullwhip.
  • 60% of the members of the Jedi Council resign over sexual assault allegations.
  • Rey’s Jedi training includes Pilates, aromatherapy, and a daily spin class.
  • Jon Snow fights off a dragon . . . oh sorry, wrong nerd thing.
  • Rey trades her lightsaber in for a fidget spinner then spends the rest of the movie staring at it. Millennials . . . am I right?!?
  • The person next to you in the theater actually once had sex.