Signs You’re at a Bad Mall

  • The massage chairs were designed by Al Franken.

  • The kids’ play place gets cleared out at least twice a week for a hypodermic needle in the ball pit.

  • It’s obvious that Santa’s just PRETENDING to be upset when kids pee on him.

  • None of its mall cops are adorably hapless enough to carry a lame movie.

  • There’s an honorary table at the food court reserved for Roy Moore.

  • The biggest line in the whole place is the one leading to the Confederate Flag Store.

  • All the loitering teens wear properly fitting pants.

  • You’ve been in the men’s room all day, and not a single person in the other stall has tapped your foot.

  • The Panda Express in the food court serves real Panda.

  • The mall Santa looks A LOT like Kevin Spacey. 

  • They have a Chipotle, a Taco Bell, and an El Pollo Loco . . . but no bathrooms.

  • You’ve only witnessed three old people tumble down the escalator.

  • They have a Bedbug, Bath & Beyond.

  • You just walked 50 feet from the entrance and only saw 15 Starbucks.

  • Their Santa doesn’t quite have the right level of creepiness.