Things You’d be Surprised to Know About Mars

In honor of today being Red Planet Day, here are The Top Things You’d be Surprised to Know About Mars.

  • It turned down “Time” magazine’s offer to name it Planet of the Year.

  • It’s the nearest place where anyone will hire Kevin Spacey right now.

  • For some reason, flights to it still require a layover in Dallas/Ft. Worth.

  • The first manned mission will bring a year’s supply of Matt Damon’s poop, just in case.

  • If a movie takes place on it, it really sucks.

  • It’s called “The Red Planet” because of its ties to communist Russia.

  • If you ask Gary Busey, he’s already been there 11 times.

  • Its soil is rich enough to grow essentials for survival.  Like Martian marijuana!

  • It’s the only thing in the universe more devoid of life than the Cleveland Browns’ offense.

  • It’s chilly, desolate, and lifeless.  Hence, its nickname:  Space Utah.

  • It’s named after that little short guy who rips off classic Motown music.

  • President Trump also claims that he had a huge victory in the Mars Electoral College.

  • Martians are more intelligent than humans.  So the Starbucks baristas on Mars always spell your name right on your cup.