Things You Don’t Want to Hear at Thanksgiving

  • Daddy, how do they kill the turkeys?

  • You know we stole this land from the Indians, right?

  • I’m thankful that not ALL of my children have been terrible disappointments

  • I brought a list of my medical, moral, religious and ethical dietary restrictions

  • You realize that all of this food is genetically modified, right?

  • I have an important announcement regarding someone else in this room

  • Enjoy the turkey-I killed it myself with a 9-iron

  • Let’s go around the table and each say one thing we’re thankful that nobody knows about us

  • Can I be excused? I have to call my parole officer

  • Your mother is cheating on me-pass the potatoes