Reasons You Haven’t Quit Smoking

Today is the American Cancer Society’s Great American Smokeout. It’s a day set aside to encourage smokers to quit, but it may be a lost cause with you. Here are The Top Reasons You Haven’t Quit Smoking.

  • You want to save up enough Marlboro Miles to buy a treadmill.
  • Because it’s one of only two things you can think of doing after sex. And curling up into a ball and weeping is weird.
  • Yellow teeth make your mouth look sunny!
  • Revealing classified information loses its gravitas if you’re not enveloped in a cloud of smoke.
  • You’re married with kids . . . so living longer is not an incentive.
  • You’re a 14-year-old girl in Alabama, and you’re looking for a way to seem older, so you won’t be harassed by Roy Moore.
  • You’re still trying to kick your meth habit. One hill at a time, people.
  • Having only one lung is a great excuse for not exercising.
  • You’re a toddler. And smoking toddlers are hilarious!
  • If you quit smoking, you’d need to find another excuse to spend two hours of your workday standing outside the building.
  • It’s such a smelly, disgusting habit, no one even notices your out-of-control flatulence.
  • You would look stupid with a pack of Starbursts rolled into your sleeve.
  • Secondhand smoke kills. And you hate your family.