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You’re so bad that other comedians take a knee during your act.
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You don’t have Seinfeld’s delivery. Or Louis C.K.’s junk.
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You don’t have a catchphrase like, “Git ‘er done,” or “Dyno-mite” or “Drink this funny-tasting cocktail.”
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You haven’t posed for a photo holding our president’s decapitated head.
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You’re really popular with women . . . because with your act, they don’t have to worry about laugh lines.
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The only thing you can do a “tight fifteen” of is jail time for dealing meth.
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The only props in the trunk you bring on stage are sex toys.
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Your “observational comedy” is mostly “observations” about how hot you think your sister is.
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You think all TV commercials are reasonable.
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You’re only slightly unhappy.
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Audiences don’t seem interested in exploring the hilarious differences between left-handers and right-handers.
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90% of your act is knock-knock jokes.
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