Reasons You Haven’t Made It as a Stand Up Comic

You’re so bad that other comedians take a knee during your act.

You don’t have Seinfeld’s delivery.  Or Louis C.K.’s junk.

You don’t have a catchphrase like, “Git ‘er done,” or “Dyno-mite” or “Drink this funny-tasting cocktail.”

You haven’t posed for a photo holding our president’s decapitated head.

You’re really popular with women . . . because with your act, they don’t have to worry about laugh lines.

The only thing you can do a “tight fifteen” of is jail time for dealing meth.

The only props in the trunk you bring on stage are sex toys.

Your “observational comedy” is mostly “observations” about how hot you think your sister is.

You think all TV commercials are reasonable.

You’re only slightly unhappy.

Audiences don’t seem interested in exploring the hilarious differences between left-handers and right-handers.

90% of your act is knock-knock jokes.