Reasons You Haven’t Made It as a Stand Up Comic

    • You’re so bad that other comedians take a knee during your act.

    • You don’t have Seinfeld’s delivery.  Or Louis C.K.’s junk.

    • You don’t have a catchphrase like, “Git ‘er done,” or “Dyno-mite” or “Drink this funny-tasting cocktail.”

    • You haven’t posed for a photo holding our president’s decapitated head.

    • You’re really popular with women . . . because with your act, they don’t have to worry about laugh lines.

    • The only thing you can do a “tight fifteen” of is jail time for dealing meth.

    • The only props in the trunk you bring on stage are sex toys.

    • Your “observational comedy” is mostly “observations” about how hot you think your sister is.

    • You think all TV commercials are reasonable.

    • You’re only slightly unhappy.

    • Audiences don’t seem interested in exploring the hilarious differences between left-handers and right-handers.

    • 90% of your act is knock-knock jokes.