Reasons You Aren’t In The Stock Market

The stock market is at a record high. But you really couldn’t care less. Here are The Top Reasons You Aren’t in the Stock Market.

  • How are you supposed to understand the stock market when you’re still confused by episode 7 of “Stranger Things”?
  • You invested all your money in Beanie Babies, and they WILL bounce back, dammit!
  • Money ain’t your thing. Technically, employment ain’t your thing. But this sounds better.
  • You saw “The Big Short” and “Trading Places” and still have no idea how the stock market works.
  • The last thing you invested in was your marriage. And look how that worked out.
  • You’re a typical American and you avoid any “market” that doesn’t sell Twinkies.
  • Investing is for commies! Americans spend!
  • You barely have enough money to put food on the table . . . or new wheels on the house.
  • You don’t have time for the S&P. S&M is a different story.
  • You want to keep your money liquid for McRib season.
  • At this point, you’ve pretty much given up on the idea that there’s actually going to be a future.