Things You Probably Didn’t Know About Christopher Columbus

It’s Columbus Day, so it’s a good time to take a look at The Top Things You Probably Didn’t Know About Christopher Columbus.

  • His memoir was titled, “Don’t Honor Me, Future People . . . I Was an Opportunistic, Racist, Genocidal Psychopath”.
  • Not long after arriving in the New World, he nailed Betty White.
  • He had two sons by two different women, leading many historians to speculate he was a Jersey Italian.
  • Columbus spent a year stranded in Jamaica. Though he didn’t notice or care because, like everyone else in Jamaica, he was baked out of his skull.
  • The first three countries Columbus approached refused to fund his exploration. So he went on “Shark Tank”.
  • His sailors brought tobacco back to Europe, and Europe immediately got cooler.
  • Historians named Columbus the “Father of the New World.” Only because “Ol’ Indian Killer” seemed a bit insensitive.
  • He comes from a family of wool weavers. Or as Donald Trump knows them, “hair dressers.”
  • He’s the most famous explorer not named Dora.