Things You Don’t Want To Hear From Your Next-Door Neighbor

  • Can I borrow a few Tiki torches . . . like 30 or 40?
  • The mail accidentally gave me your copy of “Amputee Plumpers”.
  • If you ever need to use my Wi-Fi, the password is “DeathToAmerica.”
  • Is this your whiffle ball? I found it next to my sex swing.
  • I hope you don’t mind if my buddy O.J. crashes with me for a few weeks when he gets out.
  • We’d love to come over for dinner. As long as it’s organic, locally-sourced, and gluten free.
  • I have two labs. The yellow lab in the yard . . . and the meth lab in the basement.
  • Can you watch my home for the next 21 months? Or less if I get out for good behavior?
  • Can I borrow the binoculars you use for hours looking at my wife while she’s in the yard nude sunbathing?
  • My crawlspace is full.  Can I use yours?
  • By the way, where do you guys keep your good silver?
  • Have your kids caught that virus going around where their head spins and then the walls bleed?