Reasons You’re Still Unemployed

The U.S. unemployment rate is near a record low. Find out why that means nothing to you with The Top Reasons You’re Still Unemployed.

  • Companies don’t hire grown men who show up to interviews dressed like Thor.
  • You’ve seen how far not working has gotten the Kardashians.
  • Why work when you’re dining on steak, lobster, and caviar every night thanks to those sweet food stamps?
  • It’s hard to explain that 28-year gap in your resume.
  • Potential employers don’t find your all-emoji resume as innovative as you do. 
  • Duh. Your lazy ass hasn’t looked for work.
  • You’re focused on getting a job that lets you work from home. But unfortunately, no one’s hiring in your mom’s basement.
  • You’re waiting for the quill and ink industry to make its big comeback.
  • Still haven’t mastered the fundamentals . . . like soap.
  • You like to brag on job applications that you’ve seen more porn than anyone you know.
  • During department meetings, you “protest” by taking a knee.