“The 69th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards” aired last night on CBS. But you really couldn’t care less. Here are The Top Reasons You Didn’t Watch the “Emmy Awards”.
- Stephen Colbert was hosting and you’re allergic to smirk.
- You’re under the age of 65, so you had no idea how to find CBS.
- You sold your TV, and everything else you own for a down payment on an iPhone X.
- You went to see “Mother!” on Friday and your brain is still scrambled.
- You’re an aide to President Trump so you were busy listening to Elton John songs in order to find new names to call Kim Jong-Un.
- You were afraid it would be too politically slanted . . . so you watched a rerun of “Hannity” instead.
- You hate yourself, so the only thing you watch on CBS is “Kevin Can Wait”.
- They had given out the award for Outstanding Sound Editing a week earlier, and that’s all you watch for.
- You’re a millennial and you won’t watch other people get trophies if you’re not getting one.
- You were afraid Ariel Winter’s boobs would actually break through your screen.
- You’re President Trump and there’s no nomination for a show called “Orange-ish”.
- You spent the night in the hospital with alcohol poisoning because you played a drinking game while reading Hillary Clinton’s book where you took a shot every time she blamed someone else for her election loss.
- That golden woman with lightning wings reminds you of your last bad acid trip.
- And miss one second of “Steve Harvey’s Funderdome”? No thanks!
- You’re Ted Cruz and there’s this thing called “porn.”
- Stephen Colbert gives your grandfather an ulcer.