Duties of the Miss America Pageant Runner-Up

 

  • Waiting for Steve Harvey to announce her as the winner

  • Carefully removing adhesive tape from winner’s breasts

  • Conducting delicate negotiations with North Korea

  • Smiling while staring vacantly, then more smiling

  • Working the phrase “thoughts and prayers” into everything she says

  • Adapting Coldplay songs for solo piano performances

  • Spellchecking sashes

  • Dealing with Miss Congeniality’s tantrums

  • Attending funerals of minor foreign heads of state

  • Two words: Baton polishing

  • Trying to keep Trump out of dressing room