Reasons You Haven’t Joined An Online Dating Service

Online dating negates your best feature: Her being drunk.
The only joy your mom has left in life is setting you up with her friends’ loser kids.
Women on them always lie about their weight. Men on them always lie about wanting something other than sex.
You like meeting women the old-fashioned way: abductions.
You’re waiting for the dating site, Ok-Settle.
People constantly tell you how much you look like Steve Bannon.
Because only freaks and weirdoes do that . . . and you’re too busy watching cat videos and tentacle porn.
Those are for total losers! Plus, you can’t afford Wi-Fi.
You can get the same experience of joining Tinder by trolling the plastered skanks at your local dive bar.
You share a computer with your wife Hillary.
You’re not really impressing people with your AOL e-mail address.
The apps don’t work on your flip phone.
You’ve seen too many episodes of “Catfish”.
You can’t find a filter that makes a photo of you look do-able.
Your wife might have an issue with it.
Sooner or later they’ll have to meet you.