Reasons You Haven’t Joined An Online Dating Service

  • Online dating negates your best feature: Her being drunk.
  • The only joy your mom has left in life is setting you up with her friends’ loser kids.
  • Women on them always lie about their weight. Men on them always lie about wanting something other than sex.
  • You like meeting women the old-fashioned way: abductions.
  • You’re waiting for the dating site, Ok-Settle.
  • People constantly tell you how much you look like Steve Bannon.
  • Because only freaks and weirdoes do that . . . and you’re too busy watching cat videos and tentacle porn.
  • Those are for total losers! Plus, you can’t afford Wi-Fi.
  • You can get the same experience of joining Tinder by trolling the plastered skanks at your local dive bar.
  • You share a computer with your wife Hillary.
  • You’re not really impressing people with your AOL e-mail address.
  • The apps don’t work on your flip phone.
  • You’ve seen too many episodes of “Catfish”.
  • You can’t find a filter that makes a photo of you look do-able.
  • Your wife might have an issue with it.
  • Sooner or later they’ll have to meet you.