- Online dating negates your best feature: Her being drunk.
- The only joy your mom has left in life is setting you up with her friends’ loser kids.
- Women on them always lie about their weight. Men on them always lie about wanting something other than sex.
- You like meeting women the old-fashioned way: abductions.
- You’re waiting for the dating site, Ok-Settle.
- People constantly tell you how much you look like Steve Bannon.
- Because only freaks and weirdoes do that . . . and you’re too busy watching cat videos and tentacle porn.
- Those are for total losers! Plus, you can’t afford Wi-Fi.
- You can get the same experience of joining Tinder by trolling the plastered skanks at your local dive bar.
- You share a computer with your wife Hillary.
- You’re not really impressing people with your AOL e-mail address.
- The apps don’t work on your flip phone.
- You’ve seen too many episodes of “Catfish”.
- You can’t find a filter that makes a photo of you look do-able.
- Your wife might have an issue with it.
- Sooner or later they’ll have to meet you.