The Top Questions to Ask Yourself Before Retiring.

  • At which retirement home in my area are they making the most whoopee?
  • How excited am I to finally eat dinner at a reasonable hour, like 4:00 P.M.?
  • Should I “downsize?” Don’t mean getting a smaller house, I mean getting a smaller wife.
  • How much Steve Harvey can I take in one day?
  • Am I fully versed on the rules of pinochle?
  • How much longer should I wait to cash in my Beanie Babies?
  • If I follow through with this, where will I steal copy paper?
  • Will I finally have the time to get those projects at home finished? Starting with the sex swing.
  • Which one of my kids do I want to torture by moving to their town?
  • Does Ensure mix better with vodka or bourbon?
  • After a week of threatening neighborhood kids from my front porch with a flame-thrower, will I get bored?
  • Will doing activities as an old person really be as exciting as they look on pharmaceutical ads?
  • What stores sell pants that go halfway up to your chest?
  • Don’t I need a job first?