Things You Don’t Want To Hear On The First Day Of School

In honor of move-in weekend…

It’s already back to school time for many kids this week. So it’s a good time to give you the Top Things You Don’t Want to Hear on the First Day of School.

  • They called me “The Mooch” at my old job. In this classroom, it’s Mr. Scaramucci.
  • Okay, kids . . . time to pledge allegiance to the Confederate flag.
  • Can I borrow your calculator? I’m too wasted to grade these algebra tests by hand.
  • Wow, this chalk is delicious!
  • To settle all this gender controversy, we’re just not gonna have bathrooms anymore. Go wherever you want.
  • Our vocabulary word for the day is “Covfefe.”
  • Before we get started, I want to tell you about a rally I participated in over the weekend.
  • Hey, aren’t you the kid who got caught hooking up with the lunch lady?
  • On the order of Betsy DeVos, please rip out the section of your textbook titled, “Evolution”.
  • Bullying will not be tolerated, you dopey little turds.
  • I will be teaching you “both sides” of World War Two.
  • I’m gonna learn youse kids real goodly this year.