The Top Questions to Ask Yourself Before Buying a New Car

  • Am I just doing this because my old car has a breathalyzer on the ignition?
  • If I take it to 88 miles-per-hour, will I go back in time and have to fight off my mother’s sexual advances?
  • Is buying an electric car still the most effective way to show the world just how pleased I am with myself?
  • Does it have enough bumper space for my sticker of Calvin peeing on the Cowboys logo?
  • Can I handle seeing the backseat covered in vomit? (Applicable to Uber drivers only.)
  • How will the ability to screech the tires while peeling out after dousing myself with Axe Body Spray affect my chances of getting laid in New Jersey?
  • Do they sell those cool talking cars like in the Pixar movies?
  • Does it have ample horsepower . . . and why do we still talk about power in terms of horses?