Signs You’re at a Bad Graduation

It’s that time of year…

  • Instead of a speaker, Shia LaBeouf stages an art installation where he shrieks and flings feces.
  • The speaker talks for 30 minutes. And 29 of them are about his amazing Electoral College victory.
  • All the graduates are wearing gowns . . . hospital gowns.
  • The valedictorian had to get special permission to leave house arrest to give her speech.
  • They make the girls pole-dance for their degrees.
  • Due to a budgeting snafu, the school can only afford the rights to play “Pomp” but not “Circumstance”.
  • Instead of diplomas, everyone is given participation trophies.
  • It gives graduates the false impression that they matter.
  • Not one of the graduates is Instagramming it.
  • The diplomas have a coupon for $5 off an oil change.
  • The students were told to act in a dignified manner . . . and they actually complied.
  • The commencement speaker opens with, “Good evening graduates, or more accurately, future baristas!”