Signs You’re Not Going to Be Asked to Host the Oscars

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but Jimmy Kimmel got the gig.

  • Your first question is “Oscar who?”

  • Your only “in” is that you know that accountant who screwed up last year’s Best Picture award

  • You watch them every year and totally get what it takes

  • You’ve been studiously working on the correct pronunciation of “Benedict Cumberbatch”

  • Your name is either James Franco or Anne Hathaway

  • You’ve submitted a VHS tape of yourself doing “hosty” things

  • You’ve been working on an updated version of that “Uma, Oprah” joke

  • Sure, you have some jailhouse tattoos on your face, but those can be removed