Things You Don’t Want to Hear from Your College Commencement Speaker

 

  • You’re doomed! Do you hear me? DOOMED!

  • Look, this place ain’t exactly Harvard.

  • I’ll be selling copies of my CD in the lobby after this.

  • I get paid for this crap! Hhow sweet is that?

  • Can I catch a ride home with anybody?

  • You realize Trump’s going to get us all killed, right?

  • I have over 50 pounds of explosives strapped to my body!

  • You too can make thousands of dollars per week working from home!

  • Have you heard about these new strains of VD that resist antibiotics?

  • The good news is, nobody starves to death in this country

  • I was told there would be an open bar