Things You Don’t Want to Hear from Your College Commencement Speaker

You’re doomed! Do you hear me? DOOMED!

Look, this place ain’t exactly Harvard.

I’ll be selling copies of my CD in the lobby after this.

I get paid for this crap! Hhow sweet is that?

Can I catch a ride home with anybody?

You realize Trump’s going to get us all killed, right?

I have over 50 pounds of explosives strapped to my body!

You too can make thousands of dollars per week working from home!

Have you heard about these new strains of VD that resist antibiotics?

The good news is, nobody starves to death in this country

I was told there would be an open bar