Tips For Dealing With Stress

April is Stress Awareness Month. So we want to do our part to help you chill out with this list of The Top Tips for Dealing with Stress.

  • Play a fun online game, like “Candy Crush”, “Tetris”, or if it’s your spouse who’s causing all the stress, Tinder.
  • Exercise can help relax you . . . especially a brisk walk to the medicine cabinet to get a Xanax.
  • Get a job with Fox News and Bill O’Reilly will constantly offer to give you a massage.
  • Seek professional help . . . but go to Nevada where it’s legal.
  • Remember: Even if you’ve lost all your money, are going through a divorce, and just got fired, all your anxiety will vanish if you just get one of those stress balls.
  • Eliminate things that trigger it. Like your job. And wife. And kids.
  • Get a hobby that takes your mind off everything else, like golfing, fishing, or fact-checking President Trump.
  • Try whatever Seth Rogen’s doing. He seems pretty chill.
  • Take a deep breath . . . and hold it until you pass out and no longer have to worry about stress.
  • Focus on good things in your life. Like . . . uh. I see why you’re stressed.
  • Quit your job as White House Press Secretary.
  • Three words: Clear browser history.