Hipster Complaints

  • Burning Man dust that gets stuck in the grooves of their antique spectacles.

  • Buying that Velvet Underground LP, then finding out it’s not an original pressing.

  • When you spend all day hashtagging, but not a single African child gets fed.

  • Mentioning a band and finding out that other people have heard of them.

  • Not knowing when they wear something ironic ironically, if that means it’s no longer ironic . . . or doubly ironic.

  • When you have to buy a gluten-free, raw almond and coconut super food bar because the cafe ran out of the gluten-free, raw almond and coconut super food bar with flax meal.

  • Restaurant menus without the word “artisan” on them.

  • Chicks just want the guy with the longest, thickest . . . beard.

  • Everyone assuming they’re a seasoned long-haul truck driver, thanks to the stunning authenticity of their perfectly weathered trucker hat.

  • When they can’t get PBR at a wine tasting.

  • When their complaints are derivative of other people’s complaints.

  • Getting an IPA beer that’s not anywhere near “savage.”

  • There’s a big anti-Trump rally on the same weekend as Coachella.

  • People discovering they have perfect vision and therefore don’t really need those thick-rimmed Buddy Holly glasses.

  • An Uber driver not picking them up in a Prius.

  • The growing sense of hypocrisy in railing against the evils of capitalism, then calling up their parents and begging them to pay their rent.