Signs Your Microwave is Spying on You

  • The settings are “Cook,” “Defrost” and “Listen”

  • Instead of heating your soup, it asks how you voted in the last election

  • It beeps in a vaguely Russian accent

  • It casually asks if you wouldn’t like to microwave your financial records, just for 30 seconds or so

  • It just tried to kill the coffeemaker with a poison dart

  • It uplinks to a satellite for no apparent reason

  • A voice asks you to “speak directly into the exhaust fan”

  • You don’t recall ever purchasing a microwave

  • It was a wedding gift from President Obama

  • Brand name: “KGB Appliances”