Things You Didn’t Know About Barbie

Since today is Barbie’s 58th birthday, here are The Top Things You Didn’t Know About Barbie.

  • She’s made of slightly less plastic than Kathy Griffin.
  • A mint condition Barbie can be worth over $27,000. Though the profound sadness that comes with being an adult who plays with dolls is priceless.
  • Even with painted on eyes, she still managed to roll them when she heard Ben Carson’s comments on slavery.
  • Barbie is 100% fur-free. Which you’d know if you’ve ever taken off her pants.
  • Her hands are bigger than Donald Trump’s.
  • Barbie is 11.5 inches tall. Which means she’d tower over Kevin Hart.
  • She has a much better acting range than Kristen Stewart.
  • The best sex she ever had was with a Transformer named Vibrotron.
  • Every three seconds, a Barbie is sold. And every four seconds, a Barbie has its head ripped off by an older brother.