Little-Known Facts About George Washington

Since today is President’s Day, let’s take a look at our very first president with The Top Little-Known Facts About George Washington.

  • He did NOT tell the truth about cutting down that tree. He blamed the dishonest media.
  • He had no children. Which is one of two reasons I don’t think he’s related to Denzel.
  • He once got smallpox, after Jenny McCarthy convinced him to skip the vaccine.
  • He’s going to roll over in his grave if you don’t take advantage of this once-in-a-lifetime mattress sale!
  • He hated England way before they gave us Coldplay.
  • Before leading troops to battle, he would shriek from atop a horse, “PONYTAIL POWER!”
  • His Snapchats were freakin’ hilarious.
  • He allegedly smoked pot. But since he lost all his teeth, it was more likely meth.
  • It bugs the hell out of him that he’s the father of this country, but it’s that douchebag Hamilton who gets a hip-hop musical.
  • He was the first guy to sign the Constitution . . . with a bubble heart over the “i.”
  • He thought he was the father of the country, but then he found out he’s not after an appearance on “Maury”.
  • He frequently engaged in “locker room talk” with Thomas Jefferson.
  • His famous quote was actually “I cannot tell an alternative fact.”
  • His fiercest critic in the Senate was John McCain.
  • He did not have a middle name but sometimes wrote under the pen name George R. R. Washington.
  • He never actually wore a wig. Just an awesome man-bun.
  • He called the Founding Fathers his “posse.”
  • He never told a lie except when Martha asked him if she looked fat in her outfits.