Reasons You Didn’t Watch The “Big Game”

It was estimated that 31% of Americans didn’t watch the Super Bowl yesterday. Here are The Top Reasons why.

  • “Alternative Facts TV Guide” said it was NEXT Sunday.
  • You’re an NFL referee, so you were there, but you weren’t really paying attention.
  • There’s no TV in your Apocalypse shelter.
  • You were frantically searching for the latest news on the Bowling Green Massacre.
  • As a staunch vegan, you just couldn’t gamble on Lady Gaga not wearing some kind of meat.
  • You’re still being held by immigration officials at an airport.
  • You’re weirded out by Joe Buck’s hair plugs.
  • You were busy building a shrine to welcome Beyoncé’s twins.
  • You already knew how it would end: you drunk and naked in the front yard.
  • You were watching the Puppy Bowl . . . and rooting for bloodshed.
  • The Super Bowl doesn’t have nearly enough overrated, overblown, or overhyped ads for your liking.
  • Every time the Patriots are on TV, you get hopelessly paralyzed by Tom Brady’s dreaminess.
  • You’re still waiting for the league to add opposing cheerleading squads comprised entirely of the players’ groupies and baby mamas.
  • You were worried Fox wasn’t going to spend nearly enough time shoehorning in promos for their upcoming shows.
  • As crazy as it sounds, you don’t feel the need to watch slow-motion replays of 400-pound linemen adjusting their junk.
  • You can’t afford the 120-inch TV necessary to truly capture the scope of Joe Buck’s ego.
  • You don’t have time to learn the intricacies of the game, because you spend every waking second frantically trying to keep up with the Kardashians.
  • You’re a former ref who can’t watch football without bursting into tears while recalling the time a cruel fan told you to “Go back to Foot Locker!”
  • You’re a Jacksonville Jaguars fan, so you have no idea what the “Super Bowl” is.
  • You were doing amazing things with Frederick Douglass.
  • You tried to stream it but your neighbors didn’t pay their Wi-Fi bill.
  • You think football is too violent, so you binge-watched “Game of Thrones” and “The Walking Dead”.
  • You’re Sean Spicer and you couldn’t see the TV with your head up your butt.