Reasons You Aren’t Boycotting Starbucks

After Starbucks announced that they’ll hire 10,000 refugees over the next five years, some Trump supporters started a “Boycott Starbucks” campaign. But shockingly, many snowflakes, cupcakes, and communists don’t back this brilliant idea. Check out The Top Reasons You Aren’t Boycotting Starbucks.

  • It’s fun to hear Scott Baio say your name.
  • You’re a fifth grade teacher and you’ve got $8,000 in gift cards.
  • You need all the caffeine you can get while you’re trying to quit crack.
  • Because if a coffee doesn’t cost $7.95, how can it be good?
  • Who can say no to white privilege in a cup?
  • Because they put that cardboard thingy around the cup so you won’t get burned. They CARE.
  • If you don’t patronize Starbucks, the Colombian peasants who pick their beans could lose their lucrative six-cents-an-hour job.
  • If you do, you might have to walk more than a block to find a coffee shop.
  • You hate having money.
  • You still haven’t finished the screenplay you started writing in 2003.
  • Like you’d bother to pay for your own Wi-Fi.
  • Something just feels off if you go more than 24 hours without hearing your name mispronounced.
  • “The line at Starbucks was insane” is your top excuse for being late to work.
  • Since you sold your Prius, you can’t afford to lose any more hipster cred.