Reasons You Haven’t Joined Twitter

Checking in on my day off to bring you this…

Over 317 million people are on Twitter, including our Commander and Chief. But you aren’t one of them. Here are some of the reasons why you haven’t yet joined Twitter.

  • Tweeting is a stupid, impetuous act that eventually comes back to haunt you. Besides, you’re busy preparing to get married.
  • You’re way too complex to fit anything you have to say in less than 140 characters. Plus you can’t count to 140 characters.
  • Nobody wants to hear what you have to say in real life. Why would that change online?
  • It’s easier to stand at a street corner and scream “Me! Me! ME!”
  • You’re one of those freaks who aren’t afraid to leave their basement to interact with others.
  • You prefer to “follow” your favorite celebrities the old fashioned way: with a pair of binoculars and a windowless van.
  • You’re married, so you already spend too much time speaking in short, choppy sentences.
  • You still haven’t even mastered email.
  • Up until recently, you thought “tweeting” was some weird sex thing.
  • Typing is just too damn hard on a flip phone.
  • You just started a cult, so you already have plenty of followers.
  • You prefer to do your bullying the old-fashioned way: in person.
  • You can’t be limited to 140 characters when you have so many brilliant thoughts about “The Bachelor”.
  • You’re still trying to get a handle on Friendster.
  • “I don’t need a little blue check mark to determine my self-worth!” you screamed at your computer before crying uncontrollably.
  • There’s no way you could edit your constant Facebook pleas for “thoughts and prayers” down to 140 characters.
  • The only 140 characters you care about are the ones on “Game of Thrones”.
  • You don’t have time to tweet when you’ve got photos of sandwiches to post to Instagram.
  • It’s nowhere near as quick and efficient as Snapchat for sending women unsolicited pics of your junk.
  • You can’t, since you spend every waking moment on Grindr.
  • You have one of those things called a life.