“Things President Obama Plans to Do on His First Day as a Civilian”

  • Smoke his weight in Marlboros

  • Check out Three Doors Down at the big Trump Inaugural bash!

  • Just to mess with people’s heads, take a little vacation to Kenya

  • Apply to get White House security deposit back

  • Do the flaming dog poop thing on Mitch McConnell’s porch

  • Take a 3 a.m. phone call, just for old-time’s sake

  • Enjoy the post-racial atmosphere his presidency ushered in

  • Have Bill Clinton explain how Tinder works

  • Make a beeline to Canada to ride out the next four years