Headlines You Won’t See In 2017

  • Peyton Manning Not Seen on TV for Three Straight Days
  • “The Brothers Grimsby 2” Gets Green Light
  • Kanye West Admits He’s Not All That
  • Trump Picks Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State
  • Clemson, Alabama Students Skip Game to Focus on Studies
  • Brad Pitt Misses Married Life
  • Netflix Offers Special of Comedian You’ve Actually Heard Of
  • It’s February and You’ve Kept Your New Year’s Resolution
  • Clintons Say Newfound Time Together Strengthened Marriage
  • Obama Hired as White House Correspondent by Fox News
  • Oregon Changes Mind, Will Re-Criminalize Marijuana
  • College Football Star’s Lengthy Criminal Record Convinces NFL Team Not to Draft Him
  • Donald Trump Adopts More Presidential Hairstyle
  • Leonardo DiCaprio Now Dating Middle-aged Librarian
  • Academy Gives Lifetime Achievement Award to Adam Sandler
  • Millennials Make It Through an Entire Dinner without Touching Cell Phones
  • Vladimir Putin Puts on a Shirt Before Posing for Horseback Photos
  • 2017 Is About to End, and Zero Celebrities Have Died
  • Political Dispute Settled by Facebook Post
  • Chris Christie Hospitalized for Anorexia
  • The Cleveland Browns First NFL Team to Clinch a Playoff Spot
  • Trump Admits He Wouldn’t Have Won Without Russian Hacks, Resigns in Shame
  • Starbucks Lowers Prices