Signs You’ve Attended a Bad New Year’s Eve Party

  • The bartender is Bill Cosby

  • Guests are expected to bring their own decorations

  • Three words: “catered by Chipotle”

  • Dick Clark’s corpse is propped up on the couch

  • The host answered the door in a party hat, a bow tie and no pants

  • Bernie Sanders keeps bringing the room down with speeches about income inequality

  • The party favors are nothing but bags of loose teeth

  • The only balls dropping are the host’s — into the punchbowl

  • It doesn’t start until 12:30