Top Surprises In “ROGUE One: A Star Wars Story”



The newest installment of the “Star Wars” franchise is out. Here are The Top Surprises in “Rogue One: A Star Wars Story”.

  • The good guys defeat the villain by giving him a cocktail prepared by Bill Cosby.
  • The Death Star is built by Donald Trump using Mexican labor and Chinese steel.
  • George Lucas interrupts a scene to tell the characters how he would’ve made them suck.
  • The Rebel Alliance teams up to fight the most terrifying villain yet: the executive who keeps green-lighting “Bad Santa” movies.
  • When Darth Vader takes off his helmet, he puts on a “Make the Galaxy Great Again” baseball hat.
  • The movie’s opening credits theme was written by Alan Thicke.
  • It spends a lot of time on Jabba the Hutt’s backstory as head of Fox News.
  • There’s a scene early on where you can actually see Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher having sex in the background.
  • Jar Jar Binks launches a successful career giving anti-bullying speeches.
  • Darth Vader Force-chokes a guy for sending a text with too many emojis.
  • During an ocean battle, a Stormtrooper finds Dory.
  • Batman accuses Darth Vader of stealing his cape.
  • Darth Vader spends most of it searching the Death Star for a Starbucks.
  • Young R2-D2 is played by an 8-volt battery.
  • At this point in his life, Darth Vader’s ominous breathing is more of a light wheeze.
  • It ends with the characters spending Christmas dinner at a Chinese restaurant as employees struggle to sing, “Fa-la-la-la-lah, la-la-lah-lah.”
  • The Stormtroopers’ uniforms are specially tailored to show off a disturbing amount of large camel-toe.
  • The movie consists of 90 minutes of footage of billions of dollars being delivered to the home of George Lucas.
  • Jabba the Hutt won’t shut up for the whole movie about how he’s on Jenny Craig.
  • Darth Vader goes to Trump Tower to meet with Donald Trump about a cabinet position.
  • Mark Hamill makes an appearance. Not in the movie . . . in the lobby selling popcorn.
  • Chewbacca isn’t in it because he’s recovering from a Brazilian that went horribly wrong.
  • It’s not that bad.