Tips For Getting Into the Holiday Spirit

  • Serve the kids venison.  After they finish, tell them they just ate Rudolph.

  • Buy your wife everything from the “Twelve Days of Christmas” and while she’s distracted by the mayhem, hit a strip club.

  • Focus on how good you have it by inviting over all of your friends who make less than you.

  • Binge on one of those sugary cereals that make your poop green.

  • Sing Christmas carols, but in the voice of Lemmy from Motorhead.  He was born on Christmas Eve, you know.

  • Dress your cat in a Christmas sweater, then try in vain to figure out why he keeps peeing in your slipper.

  • Avoid following my dad’s example by telling your kid you had to down a flask of Peppermint Schnapps to get through his tone-deaf performance at the Christmas pageant.

  • Sing Christmas carols to neighbors . . . while police escort you off their property for trespassing.

  • Watch the “Charlie Brown” Christmas special . . . and try not to think about how the voice of Charlie Brown was eventually arrested for stalking and attempted murder.

  • Always remember the reason for the season . . . being able to get day-drunk at your office’s white elephant gift exchange.

  • Get everyone at Fox News angry by wishing them “Happy Holidays.”

  • Head over to Target to check out the Easter decorations.

  • Practice the fake excited face you’re going to make when you get socks.

  • Pretend the year 2016 never happened.