Signs You’re At A Bad Mall

More than 154 million consumers shopped online and in stores over the holiday weekend. Millions of them went to the mall. Here are The Top Signs You’re at a Bad Mall.

  • The Santa keeps flashing you gang signs.
  • Three of the massage chairs are being investigated for sexual assault.
  • The Lids store only sells “Make America Great Again” hats.
  • The Footlocker guys always get your shoe size wrong, because they’re actual NFL referees.
  • The mall Santa is the decomposing corpse of Fidel Castro.
  • Victoria’s Secret employees eye you suspiciously just because you’re a single guy . . . sifting through bras . . . with your pants around your ankles.
  • The guy at the remote control toy kiosk just blew off your hairpiece with a fly-by.
  • The girl at Claire’s won’t pierce your nipples.
  • You’ve been there ten minutes and have yet to see a fat, dead-eyed parent beating the crap out of their kid.
  • The Orange Julius changed its name to Trump Julius.
  • Instead of a Forever 21, it has a “Can Pass for 48 In a Dark Room”.
  • The pet store is located right next door to the food court.
  • The gum-chewing teenage employees at The Gap keep sighing and rolling their eyes when you ask if they have any sizes other than extra-small and triple-extra large.
  • Black Friday draws smaller crowds than Taco Tuesday.
  • If you touch the rubber rail of the escalator, you get leprosy.
  • The holiday spirit is contagious. As is the tuberculosis of the guy at the kiosk making your pretzel.