Reasons You’re Not Voting

  • It’s Taco Tuesday! Who’s got time to vote?
  • You just made it across the border and haven’t had time for forge a voter registration.
  • You already voted early. Three times.
  • Facebook has made you never, ever want to pay attention to politics ever again.
  • For the same result, you’re just going to sit at home and bash your head repeatedly with a hammer.
  • Not a single candidate has a comprehensive zombie preparedness strategy.
  • Your polling place is an elementary school.¬† And you’re not allowed within 500 feet of them.
  • The only thing you like to do in a curtain-enclosed booth is try on cargo shorts from Old Navy.
  • You already know who’s going to win:¬† Russia.
  • You wanted to beat the rush so you already moved to Canada.
  • You sprained your hand voting on more important stuff, like “The Voice”.
  • You’re busy sitting at home, desperately waiting for some bad hombre to grab your crotch.
  • Jenny McCarthy told you voting causes autism.
  • Bill Cosby gave you a “special drink,” and you’ve been asleep for the past three days.
  • Your Tuesdays are reserved for shirtless horseback rides with Vladimir Putin.
  • You’ll only stand in line for something important, like a Black Friday sale on X-boxes at Walmart.
  • You got banned from voting booths after you confused one with a peep show.
  • If you want to stand in long lines only to make a decision you’ll regret, you’ll go to a nightclub.
  • You think the Electoral College is the worst college of all time. Except for Trump University.