Reasons You Won’t Watch “The 50th Annual CMA Awards”

“The 50th Annual CMA Awards” air tonight on ABC. Why don’t you care? Here are The Top Reasons You Won’t Watch “The 50th Annual CMA Awards”.

  • You already watched the other 174 country music award shows this year.
  • You’re fixin’ ta set out on yonder porch all night ‘n’ catch the varmint that’s been stealin’ your Trump signs.
  • You’ll just never accept a cowboy named “Paisley.”
  • You sold your TV to cover your Obamacare premium.
  • You’re terrified that a shirt button will fly off Garth Brooks and kill someone.
  • You don’t understand how a “town” can be both “Little” and “Big.”
  • You’re content with the result of the Civil War.
  • You’re sick of all the winners using their entire acceptance speeches to passionately praise Allah.
  • You get your fill of white people by watching the Oscars.
  • You’re worried that the men might take off their cowboy hats all at once and blind you with the glare from their bald spots.
  • When you found out Bob Dylan won the Nobel Prize for Literature instead of Garth Brooks, you got so mad you shot your television.