Questions To Ask Yourself Before Picking A Halloween Costume

  • Does it reduce me to a sex object? (If yes, proceed to checkout.)
  • If I tape a bunch of boxes of Summer’s Eve to my clothes and carry a microphone, will people get that I’m going as Billy Bush?
  • If I go as Chachi, do I have to be nice to everyone who’s dressed as Trump?
  • If I dress as a cat, how many guys are gonna grab me without my consent?
  • What if I just stay home and tell everyone I went out as one of Hillary’s emails?
  • If I go as a witch, can Ann Coulter sue me for copyright infringement?
  • Hey, didn’t this place used to be a Blockbuster?
  • Will a Kevlar vest fit under my clown outfit?
  • Is it okay if my slutty baker outfit shows a little muffin top?
  • After drinking eight beers, will there be easy access when having to go to the bathroom?
  • Will it make a good “Throwback Thursday” photo in ten years?
  • If I’m a girl between the ages of 18 and 35, what costume will most effectively make my stepdad regret that time he skipped my Christmas pageant?
  • If I’m a grown man struggling to choose a Pokémon costume, isn’t it time to take a long, hard look in the mirror and ask myself where it all went wrong?
  • Can I incorporate my herpes sores as part of the costume?