If Columbus Were Alive Today

Today is Columbus Day. Here are The Top Things Christopher Columbus Would Say if He Were Alive Today.

  • Don’t look at me, I just discovered it. You’re the ones who are ruining it.
  • What tribe is this Trump character from? I’ve never seen that shade before.
  • It’s time to quit crying about the past. You’ve got the new iPhone, haven’t you?
  • So I got lost crossing an entire ocean hundreds of years ago. You can’t even make it across town without directions from Siri.
  • When it comes to 500-year-old Italians, I still look better than Madonna.
  • Note to self: make sure the mic is off before inviting Billy Bush on my boat to talk hotties.
  • If the Vikings REALLY discovered America before I did, then answer me this: How come the second Monday in October isn’t known as “Leif Erikson Day?”
  • When I was discovering the New World, I always prayed my name would one day become associated with a bunch of idiots screaming about unbeatable sales on sleeper sofas.
  • So the most prominent Italians in America are Tony Danza and the cast of the “Real Housewives of New Jersey”? I wish I was still dead.
  • I understand the chat part, but I’m still confused on the snap.
  • What if Hillary’s father arranged for her to marry Lord Trump? Wouldn’t that please the entire kingdom?
  • Actually, I’m more excited about having just discovered PornHub.
  • Just saw Kate Upton . . . so I’m dropping my “world is flat” campaign.
  • Wow! The Browns really suck!