Questions To Ask Before Buying A House

  • Do I just have a fireplace I can throw the money into and avoid the hassle?
  • Do I have any friends who’ll actually be there when it’s time to move in?
  • Can I afford it? (Hint: No. But don’t let that stop you. It’s the American way!)
  • Does it have a wardrobe that transports me to another world with a lion and a witch, like in that movie I can’t remember the name of?
  • Does the fireplace work so I can freak out my kids at Christmastime by telling them I cooked Santa?
  • Does it have a big backyard so I can walk out there with my kids . . . then walk back in, lock the door, and drink an entire bottle of wine?
  • Are the neighbors far enough away to not hear screaming?
  • Does the house have a weird smell that will override my own weird smell?
  • Is the house a nice and classy place to put my vintage Bo Derek poster?
  • Is there a good place to hide my guns when President Clinton comes to take them away?
  • Will the house end up underwater either due to financial problems or global warming?
  • Does the neighborhood have a meth problem . . . or can I swoop in and corner the market?
  • Can I really trust a realtor if I’ve never seen their face on a bus?
  • Are the neighbors really choosy about who gets invited to their key parties?
  • Is the neighborhood declining, or will that only start to happen once I move in?
  • Should I hire a 400-pound hacker working from his bed to give me a perfect credit score?