Things You Don’t Want To Hear From Your Doctor

Doctors for both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton said positive things about their patients this week. Here are The Top Things You Don’t Want to Hear From Your Doctor.

  • I’m gonna need you to pay me now. I mean, like, right now, before you start seeing a white light.
  • Well, if my degree from Arizona State tells me anything . . .
  • This time, let’s maintain eye contact when you cough.
  • I know it’s an eye exam, but I still need you in the stirrups.
  • Who are you voting for? Because that might determine how careful I am during your surgery.
  • According to our test results, you died in 2012.
  • I just tested your pee. Too salty.
  • You know, its days like this Im glad I failed out of dental school.
  • I learned everything I know about medicine from Dr. Pepper.
  • Your back pain is being caused by the same thing responsible for all the suffering in the world: immigrants.
  • Watching Greys Anatomyhas given me a great idea. From now on, Im going to ignore my patients and concentrate solely on hooking up with my colleagues.
  • My medical training tells me you have an overactive thyroid . . . but I won’t make an official diagnosis without consulting WebMD.
  • Would you like to supersize your colonoscopy?
  • Darn it, I keep confusing strokes with pneumonia.
  • Do you want me to give you a real evaluation, or a “I’m going on ‘The Dr. Oz Show’” type evaluation?
  • I’m going to write you the same prescription I wrote for Prince.
  • I’m not sure how to break this to you, but you have Stage 4 . . . Bieber Fever.
  • There’s a very good chance you’ll have a heart attack . . . when you see your bill.
  • I’ll just numb the area. “Numb, numb, numb, numb, numb, numb, numb . . .”