Reasons You Won’t Be Ordering The iPhone 7

Apple’s CEO Tim Cook will host a big media event today to launch the new iPhone. You couldn’t care less? Well, here are The Top Reasons You Won’t Be Ordering the iPhone

  • You refuse to buy products made from child labor . . . until they go on sale.
  • You’re happily married with a career you love . . . so there’s no hole in your life you need to fill with technology.
  • The new, improved camera will just make you look old and deteriorated.
  • You’d hate to just cast aside a phone that’s helped you catch so many Pok√©mon.
  • You’re waiting until Trump or Hillary gets elected and makes Apple bring its manufacturing back here . . . and paying U.S. workers a reasonable rate . . . because yeah, that’ll totally happen.
  • Two words: “credit” and “check.”
  • You’ve got more pressing things to upgrade. Like your spouse.
  • You live in Chicago, so you can just snatch one from a shooting victim.
  • You found a cheaper way of talking to friends: not having any.
  • Despite your angry emails, Apple DIDN’T make the default ring some dude yelling, “Everyone look at me! I’m getting a call on my new iPhone!”
  • You got your fill of child labor watching your kids pick up the empty beer bottles strewn all over your yard from your Labor Day barbecue.
  • You have a firm policy that no piece of technology you own should be more sophisticated than your “Simon and Simon” calculator watch.
  • The new camera still doesn’t have enough megapixels to take photos of all the friends you don’t have, because you spend every waking second obsessing over Apple products.
  • The last time you checked, it still didn’t come with a button that makes chicks think you’re cool, simply because you overpaid for a trendy new gadget.
  • You want to spend less time on your phone and more time doing something useful . . . like watching reality TV.
  • It’s too much work to transfer all those pictures of your junk on your current phone.
  • You’re waiting until the iPhone 8 comes out. In two months.
  • Why spend more on high-tech gadgets when you just got a new beeper?
  • You already have an “I’m Better Than You” T-shirt.