Signs You’re Watching A Bad Horror Movie

For the second weekend in a row, the horror movie “Don’t Breathe” was number one at the box office. Unfortunately, not all horror flicks have that kind of success. Here are The Top Signs You’re Watching a Bad Horror Movie.

  • Because of his electric chainsaw, the murderer is confined to the length of a power cord.
  • Teens escape the monster by hiding in Colin Kaepernick’s afro.
  • The serial killer wears a hockey mask. And pads. And skates. Which makes him fairly easy to outrun in the woods.
  • The killer’s horribly disfigured face is the result of botched cosmetic surgery in Tijuana.
  • People keep saying, “I’ll be right back,” leaving the room, and actually coming right back.
  • Someone says “Candyman” into the mirror five times, and Michael Jackson’s doctor appears.
  • In the end, the hero assures the monster that his feelings are valid, too, and teaches him new, non-violent ways to express them.
  • The killer’s mother is actually a saintly woman with whom he had a wonderful relationship.
  • The killer wears one of those Chewbacca masks, and she can’t stop giggling.
  • The old priest performs the exorcism, while the young priest beat-boxes.
  • Thirty minutes of the movie is the villain waiting in the returns line at Home Depot because his chainsaw won’t start.