Things You Don’t Want To Hear On The First Day Of School

Have a wonder year, kiddies!

  • You know that new strain of super-lice? Yeah, we’ve got it.
  • In order not to offend any special interest groups, we’ve changed our mascot to a gender-neutral stick figure.
  • We’ve replaced our school’s bells with Hillary Clinton’s laugh.
  • Hello, I’m your new principal. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned from my time at Trump University . . .
  • You spelled “team” wrong. You forgot the “i.”
  • Before entering a bathroom, you will be required to prove your gender to the Custodian.
  • Welcome to English class! I just read all of your Twitter feeds, so you all fail.
  • Why is our bus driver slurring?
  • We thought it would broaden the students’ horizons if we replaced football with interpretive dance.
  • I’m a gonna learn you kids real goodly this year.
  • Bullying will not be tolerated, you dopey butt-faced little turds.