Things We Learned From The Rio Olympics

After 17 days of competition, the 2016 Olympics in Rio came to a close last night. So let’s take a minute to look back at the highlights of 31st Olympiad with . . . The Top Things We Learned from the Rio Olympics.

  • Michael Phelps is part dolphin . . . and Ryan Lochte is part weasel.
  • Gabby Douglas is an unpatriotic thug, but Ryan Lochte is just a kid cuttin’ loose and havin’ fun.
  • Ryan Seacrest sounds as natural talking about sports as my grandmother does talking about the Wu-Tang Clan.
  • Boxing isn’t as fun to watch when the mafia’s not involved.
  • Apparently, weightlifters train by lifting Big Macs to their mouths.
  • To make things fair, people racing against Usain Bolt from now on should be able to DRIVE.
  • Even when it’s an Olympic sport, we still don’t give a crap about golf or soccer.
  • If you want to gamble on distance running, put your money on the sunken-eyed Kenyan.
  • At this rate, our next female Olympic gymnast will be two feet tall.
  • A show where Henry Winkler and William Shatner experience travel hijinks looks as bad as it sounds.
  • Michael Phelps and Team Jamaica prove that you can accomplish amazing things while high.
  • No matter what happens, we’ll NEVER forget Olympic heroes like Michael Phelps, that swimmer chick, and Simone What’s-Her-Name.
  • Archery may be the only thing on NBC more tedious than “Hollywood Game Night”.
  • Watching 5,000 hours of passionate competition among the fittest people on the planet is still not quite enough to make anyone in America put down the remote and actually go outside.
  • Ryan Lochte and his teammates failed in synchronized alibis.
  • For two weeks every four years, people will watch something on NBC.
  • Some German female track and field athletes have a good shot at landing an endorsement deal . . . for MEN’S razors!
  • We can all wait four more years to pretend we like fencing.
  • A good 20% of Americans are now aware of where Rio is.
  • Olympic swimmers have something in common with Hollywood actresses: you’re considered old and over the hill at 31.
  • Nothing you do on the gymnastics mat is as important as putting your hand over your heart during the national anthem.
  • If you’re not a gymnast, a swimmer, or a track and fielder, no one’s gonna watch.
  • All you need for an awesome opening ceremony is Gisele B√ľndchen strutting down a catwalk.
  • Ryan Lochte isn’t an idiot. He’s a COLOSSAL idiot.